Why I Won’t Let You Mind My Special Needs Child

Carys on holiday 2012. www.aliisaacstoryteller.com

Carys on holiday 2012.

It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s not that I think you won’t take proper care of her, or that I think I’m a better parent than you. It’s nothing arrogant like that at all.

But there is a lot of potential for things to go wrong. In particular, Carys could go into heart failure at any time. It’s a fact we have to live with, although to look at her, so robust and full of life, you would never think so.

She also has a tendency to stop breathing when she coughs, or a little bit of food lodges in her throat, or she takes too big a swig of juice, because her little system is too weak to cough up effectively.

I know that you are just as capable as me in dealing with situations like that. Every parent knows what to do when a child coughs or chokes. Every adult knows when they need to call an ambulance for events they cannot deal with themselves.

So that’s not it either.

My friends are precious to me, because I know I am not an easy person to be a friend of. I’m a bit of a loner, I spend a lot of time tapping away at my computer or visiting ancient piles of stones in the middle of nowhere, when I could be socialising.

Or Carys is sick, or like now with the Wilbargar Therapressure, going through something which can’t easily be managed outside of the home.

My friends are precious to me, because I have no family around to help out when things get tough or I’m not coping very well. I know I lean on you quite a lot at times.

But still I don’t ask for you to mind Carys.

The reason for that is something I feel sure many other parents of children with special needs will understand. It’s because my friends are precious to me that I won’t let you mind Carys.

Maybe that doesn’t make sense… I mean, who can I trust more than my nearest, dearest friends? But it’s not about trust. The thing is, I don’t want to lose any of you.

If you minded Carys for me, and something went wrong, I know that you would never forgive yourself, even if I did, because that’s the kind of person you are, and that’s one of the reasons I love you for.

And even though I know what the risks are with Carys, and even though I know you would have done everything humanly possible for her, there would still be a nagging doubt in the back of my mind, a doubt I would not want to acknowledge, but which would gnaw away at me from it’s little dark corner forever.

You would feel guilty, and I would too; for leaving her just so I could go and have fun, and for putting someone I care about in such a horrendous position.

I don’t want to do that to us. I value my friends, and don’t want anything to come between us. And that’s why I won’t let you mind Carys.

21 Comments on “Why I Won’t Let You Mind My Special Needs Child

  1. I have a friend who only gets to spend a night out with her partner or take a few days holiday with him when their assigned nurse can look after their special needs daughter. This is the same nurse who has been their support for a long time now and knows their daughter extremely well. Even though a qualified medical practitioner stays in their home at those times, my friend still worries that something might go wrong. She would never put that responsibility on friends and family who offer to help out. I can totally see your point of view and it’s very loving of you to feel that way. You explained it so well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Jean. No matter how much you love and trust your friend, I think it would be a very hard thing to get over if something ever happened. Even if no blame was involved. The friendship could never be the same again. I have no family here in Ireland so the friends I’ve made are very important to me. I dont want to risk them in any way. ☺

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Totally understood Ali, but I would love to look after Cerys with you, maybe on a day out, or on a picnic, or something like that. Hopefully, then you could have some fun and look after Cerys at the same time?

    Hugs to both Cerys and you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You really put me into a great Christmas mood with this post ~ giving and a warm feeling of the greatness of the human spirit. There is one sentence you wrote that while I thought so very sad made it possible for me to see where you were coming from “It’s because my friends are precious to me that I won’t let you mind Carys” ~ wishing you a great week ahead and a wonderful start to the holiday season.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I wouldn’t ask, dear Ali, because I would be afraid I couldn’t manage. I remember when my nine month old son choked on a cracker and it was all I could do to clear his throat and airway. What if I hadn’t been able to? You are the best person in the world to care for Carys, despite the fact it places such a huge burden on you. But one a mother readily accepts..


  5. You’re adorable Ali. Putting your friends first is normal for you but don’t forget some of your friends will have had a nursing background, some in special care even. They would happily give up time to give you a little bit of the ‘me’ time you deserve.Still, we understand if you prefer not to do that for whatever reason.This is your daughter and must always be your choice.
    Maybe you can find a little ‘me’ time to go for a spa treatment while Carys is in school and maybe if you’ll let one of your friends go with you, you can unburden yourself a bit or just have a fun day.
    You’re beautiful, you’re loved.
    xxx Massive Hugs xxx


  6. This is one of those situations where everybody means well, Ali, but the parent always knows best. Your explanation is precious in all ways, my friend.


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