It’s 630 in the morning, and outside, the sky is dark, but not so black as my mood. Carys is on her way to the children’s hospital in Dublin, and I’m sitting here, chain-drinking coffee while my heart breaks.
It’s only dental work, but it’s never ‘only’ something for children like Carys. There’s no way she’s going to let a dentist look in her mouth, or go anywhere near her, thank you very much.
A year ago, it took five of us to hold her down while a dentist gave her some temporary fillings. No needles or drills involved. It was a traumatic experience for everyone involved, not least poor Carys herself, who has absolutely no comprehension of why we’re doing that to her, except that it’s bound to be something she’s not going to like. Or hurt her.
So today, she will be having a general anaesthetic, and I’m scared, really scared. GA always carries a risk, but for Carys, with her bloated fragile heart, it’s a very serious risk, and I’m terrified she won’t wake up.
I know she will have an excellent anaesthetist. I know he will have read her file. I suspect her cardiologist will have been consulted. I know she is in good hands.
But she’s out of mine. My hands have always held her, but not today. I am home with my boys, and Carys is with her Daddy, and I am riddled with guilt. I can’t leave the boys here on their own, but I should be with Carys and Conor.
Yesterday, I was in such a state with this hanging over me, that my youngest son asked me why I was so angry and doing so much cleaning. Sounds funny, right? Conor said it would probably be best if he took her to the hospital.
Carys is always calmer with her Daddy. She’s a Daddy’s girl. She sleeps in his arms. I do the feeding and the nappies and the hair-washing and the therapies. I do the activities, the work and the fun stuff. With him, she feels safe and relaxed. I am in a stressed and emotional state. Today, I am not Carys’s best advocate.
I know this, but still I feel guilty. Not only am I not there for Carys, but I am not there for Conor. He will have to make that long walk down the corridor to the operating theatre with Carys in his arms, alone. I have condemned him to hold Carys while they administer the first drug which puts her to sleep.
If you have ever had to hold your child while this is done, you will know it feels like watching them die.
And then, while you are still in this extreme condition of terror and bemusement, they snatch her out of your arms and manhandle you out the room too quickly for your mind to register what just happened.
To wait, while some butcher takes a knife, or in this case a drill, to your precious baby.
Of course, they’re not butchers, they are life-saving angels, and two of my children are alive and well thanks to these very special people. Words can never convey such gratitude. ‘Just doing my job, ma’am.’ They really think it’s just a job.
Last time we went through this, Carys was only four months old, and she had a complex surgery to remove her haemangioma. It took four hours, and I remember sitting on her hospital bed, waiting, holding her blanket to my face and breathing in her baby scent. I remember how helpless and desolate I felt.
Today’s procedure is only a short one in comparison. But I’ll still feel the same. The risks are just as great. Conor is on his own in Dublin, and I am alone here. And we’re waiting. Just waiting. And hoping. And while Conor is being a good parent, I’m feeling like a bad one, because I’m too weak and too selfish to be there in his place.
And I’m so afraid that she won’t wake up. That her weak heart can’t cope. That after everything we have been through together in the last ten years, we could still lose her.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
And please, if you want to leave a comment, say anything at all but not what a good mother I am. I can’t handle that today.